He's gone, Sam's gone
by SPNxBookworm
Summary: John has always loved his sons, just never told them due to the obvious Winchester pride and ego. And when Sam decides to leave for Stanford, John is all but breaking at the seams. This is Sam leaving, in John's P.O.V. (Kind of.) (Rated T just to be safe.)


**A/N: I know I'm probably going to get pelted by stones and rocks as I know I have to update like 3 fictions of mine which are in progress and also because of the fact that you might just be crying by the end of the fic. I'm not hoping on the crying, but I was in tears at the end so...yeah.**

**This is Sam leaving for Stanford. But it's all from John P.O.V. Kind of. Told third person, but in John's view. Hope you get what I'm trying to say. **

**Anyways, enjoy my little duckies! *runs away, looking for cover***

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John couldn't believe his ears. His youngest stood in front of him, holding his Stanford application, his rucksack and his duffel, glaring at him.

John cleared his throat yet again. "What? You're going where."

Sam's expression turned to one that indicated he knew this was going to happen. "You heard what I said Dad. I'm leaving. For good. I got accepted at Stanford."

Somewhere deep down, John felt pride at his youngest. His son was accepted at Stanford. But that was somewhere deep down. Right now, John Winchester was shocked and truthfully, a little pissed. How could Sam abandon them? How could he just walk away from hunting the thing that had destroyed their lives?

"You're not going." said John, not betraying any emotion in his clipped tone.

Sam let out a humorless laugh. "I didn't ask for permission. I _said _I'm leaving."

"And I'm _ordering _you. You're. Not. Going." John said, distinctly hearing his oldest creep out of the kitchen. Somehow, he knew that Dean may have known about this long before John himself did.

"You know Dad? That's not going to work anymore. I'm tired...just tired of listening to you bark orders at me and Dean. All you've ever done is run our lives and never, _never_ let us make our own decisions. You've never acted like a father!" Sam yelled.

John felt something inside him shatter. He knew that he wasn't father of the year, but he'd tried to do whatever he thought was best for his sons. And he needed to find Mary's killer. He needed to.

But as always, John's anger got in the way of him. "You think I like doing this? You think I enjoy barking orders at you and Dean? You think I'm happy when you nearly die after a hunt? You think I don't care?" John yelled back.

"I don't know. Have you ever thought what we felt when you left us for days in some unknown town? Do you know how I felt when Dean came home injured after you screwed up? Did...did you ever even tell us that you cared?" Sam asked, his voice breaking, tears shining in his eyes.

All through this, John felt Dean standing right behind him. John felt yet another piece of him break away.

_Sam. You don't know how much I care. It's the fact that I care that I can't let you go._

"Enough Sam! I don't need to explain myself to you. You're not going and that's final!" John yelled. Not because he was angry, not because he was pissed at his son for disobeying him, but for fear of losing him.

Like all Winchesters, anger and hurt was a way to make the fear and helplessness that he felt.

Sam's face turned to one of pure rage. Dean stepped up from behind John and faced him.

"Dad, I know this is hard to understand, but Sam's old enough to make his own decisions. You know – " Dean fell silent at his father holding up a hand.

John stared at Dean with his judgmental eyes. His own thoughts raging a battle against one another.

_You have no idea how much I want him to live his life Dean. But I need to protect him. I need to know he's safe. And I'll know he's safe when he's with us. With you. _

"Not a word Dean." John said sternly. He couldn't get himself to express what he felt. He just couldn't let Sam leave. Sam was in too much danger. And he didn't even know it.

Sam laughed yet again, humorless. "You know what Dad? Screw you." Sam said, shoving past his brother and father and opening the door.

John now felt his heart shatter completely. He felt robbed of breath. Sam was leaving. And it was all because of him. John kept blaming himself for pushing him away. But he needed Sam to become strong and independent. He pulled out the last card, desperation on the forefront.

"You close that door Sam..." John started, without looking at his youngest. He sensed Sam stop. "Don't bother coming back." John said finally, hoping to scare his youngest into staying. Because there was no way Sam would _completely _abandon his family.

"No." he heard Dean whisper. "Dad, no! Stop him please!" Dean said loudly. He could hear the fear and pain in his oldest' voice.

The door slammed shut.

And John felt like he'd been punched in the gut.

Sam left.

Sam was gone.

Sam was never coming back.

"SAM! WAIT!" John heard Dean yell as Dean opened the door and ran after his brother.

_Please stop him Dean. Please._

John slowly shuffled to the bathroom, unaware of the tears finally streaming down his face. He cupped his shaking hands around the basin and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was pale and his eyes were red around the rims. He looked like shit.

"What did you do John...what did you do..." John muttered to himself.

"SONUVABITCH!" John bellowed, trashing everything in the bathroom. He tore down the curtains near the tub. He threw the toothpaste, aftershave, everything that lay on the basin, onto the floor. He maybe even broke a few bottles.

Breaking down, sobs building in his throat, he fell to his knees.

"Mary...I'm so sorry...I never meant for this to happen...I'm so so sorry..."

Just outside the bathroom, Dean stood, having failed to stop Sam. He saw his father break down into pieces, and he knew.

John cared. John had always cared.

**END. **

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**Well? I know I'm cruel, but this was a plot bunny that kept bouncing around my head, literally giving me a headache. So I had to let it out. Please do leave reviews on what you thought of it. :) John is a character that is very hard to write as he hasn't been explored much on the show...But this is my view of John. :)**


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